ouch.

You ever get so angry at someone that it affects your sleep and won't leave you, even in your dreams? Yeah, I've been there...two nights in a row. I'm angry that I lost my best friend a week ago to strange circumstances that I still don't understand.

But I'm tired of being angry...because he doesn't care. The only person being angry hurts is me. I deserve better than someone who's just going to up and run. I deserve better than someone who never calls me or never tries to be around me other than times we're required to be around each other. I deserve better than someone who's hypocritical and just runs. I'm done thinking it's all my fault. I always made excuses for him...and protected him. I don't need to be around someone who won't do the same for me. That's unfair to myself.

I need to just rest. And trust God. Think of all the free time I have now that I'm not spending so much of it trying to get him to talk to me. This is an opportunity for me to trust God that he has something better in store for me (which shouldn't be hard because this is pretty crappy). It just requires me learning to truly be on my own and trust myself and God. Maybe that's why this is all happening...it's time for something better and actually trusting myself. He distracted me and actually probably made me stuck in my emotions and depression a little more, because that's the only time that he would talk to me seriously. I don't need that. I have wonderful friends who won't treat me like that. I'm very lucky. I don't need that mess.

Thank you God for a new perspective this morning. :)