in times like these.

In times like these

In times like those

What will be, will be

And so it goes.

I can't remember the last time I went on a "real" vacation...like one away from my two normal households. With spring break coming up, I can't help but wish that I had somewhere fun to go. I'm spending my time working at the pool for a few days and then doing a whole lot of nothing at home. At least I'll have the opportunity to catch up on sleep, a little bit of reading, and maybe on some writing and practicing. I feel most at home these days when I'm writing or playing music. It'll be nice to have some peace and quiet, too; there's always something going on around here these days. Time for me to rest and relax and renew. I can't wait.

Tonight's my first concert as 1st chair flute with the Wind Symphony. The concert overall isn't going to be that great (I know, I know...positive thinking at its best!) but I'm hoping I'll play well. I've got a lot of solos, and I still can't seem to shake my stage fright. No matter what I tell myself, I'm not happy unless I play all my notes right...like the world and my happiness hang on each and every note. Okay--well, maybe not QUITE so dramatic...but still, I place a lot of weight on performing well, and my nerves always seem to get the best of me. It's like my body doesn't want me to succeed...and sometimes, my mind doesn't either. There's this voice that always likes to say "You're not good enough..." and I'm still learning how to say "Hey you--shut the hell up." It's not even going to be that important of a concert...I like some of the music we're playing, but there are parts that we just can't play and that I'd rather the audience not hear tonight. All I can do about that is play my part the best I can and hope that the rest comes through!

Brett Dennen is one of my favorite artists...if you haven't heard him yet, you should go check out his myspace, because his music is some of the most inspiring I've heard. He came on my iPod and is chilling me out. The lyrics to Oh, the Glorious are:

after all these tears have dried
these knots are gonna come untied
and when I climb down from this tree
to walk on land will be so heavenly
and if I don't know what to do
oh, I swear I won't follow any of you
because all thats wanted by us
to lay our tracks in the settling dust
all that's wanted by us
mhmm, is the glorious
and I've been loved inside a heart for years
and I'm breaking out
I'm busting rims
and I'm led blinding through the light of day
and I know now that none of you fools know the way
none of you fools know the way
when my words are rehearsed and clear
may I speak loud enough for everyone to hear
and when my arrow flies straight and true
may it pierce the clouds soar through on through
and when I gain the strength to make a move
I'll drift above and sail away from this cold wet ground
because all that's wanted by us
is to lay our tracks in the settling dust
all that's wanted by us
mhmm, is the glorious
and I've been loved inside a heart for years
and I'm breaking out
I'm busting rims
it's time for me to go off on my own
you can tell them that this child has grown
tell them that this child has grown

There are very few matters in life that demand the amount of anxiety that I'm giving this concert...just because I'm a bit scared of having my fragile flute self-image smuged a little bit. I'm just going to get up there and have fun...there are other things that deserve my attention.

Here's hoping I don't sneeze during my solos! :)