hold, know, go.

Hold your own, know your name, and  go  your own way, and everything will be fine. -Jason Mraz


This song has always hit home for me.  For some reason, it's always been a struggle for me to solidly form my own opinions and stick to them...I've always had a fear of being rigid and unchanging, of being viewed as "selfish" by people around me.  I wasn't quite sure where I had gotten this from, but I think I'm getting a better idea...which is really the first step in me overcoming this and doing my own thing...knowledge in this case is the potential for power--execution is the intermediate stage in this healing process.


If it's a broken part, replace it.
If it's a broken arm, then brace it.
If it's a broken heart, then face it.


I have a bad habit of thinking far too much...of worrying and attempting to form some semblance of control over situations that truly aren't in my power to dictate.  I've gotten much, much better about this, but for a while there, it seemed like I'd never get out of that awful trap of thinking the most God-awful, negative thoughts about my life and who I am.  After cleaning my life out of the person who was really causing these feelings inside of me, I began to experience less and less of them, and I can happily say that today, I deal with them far less than I did in the not-so-distant past.  When I do deal with them, and I do from time to time, I've learned how to deal with them...what triggers me, how to remove these hooks gently, and how to begin moving forward with my life.  I've become much more self-sufficient, and it's something I pride myself greatly on.

One of the ways I decompress and clear my head is to go for drives.  I don't go often, because my practical side says when gas is creeping slowly up on $3/gallon again, I'd do better to conserve my gas and thus my wallet, but sometimes, I just get the urge.  I'm also not a very spontaneous person...I grew up in a very plan-oriented family.  Didn't have much need for spontaneity.  However, I feel that as I've grown older, I've begun to see the value in not planning and just listening to your body and heart and their needs (which they tell you with great accuracy if you're willing to listen carefully), and I've started fighting the "BE PRACTICAL, STUPID" response to the thought of any spontaneous activity.

Take tonight, for example.  I experienced 15 minutes of pure bliss by simply continuing to drive.  I passed the entrance into my neighborhood, and then the next, and then the road after that (you get the picture) until I was in the town above mine.  I didn't travel alone...Graham was behind me in his car.  We'd just left the Taco Bell in town, and he called me confused as to why I hadn't pulled off at my usual exit.  [Cut]--I had the windows down, the 311 blasting, and my hand out the window in a state of pure bliss at this point in time...it was the perfect day for a drive like this. [Annnnnd action!] I explained to him that I just wanted to drive...kept going on an urge.  We continue to talk as we drive next to each other.  The traffic began to slow down, and we realized the ambulance and fire truck that we were observing as we ate were headed up to where we were...a small accident (fender bender) was taking up the right-hand lane.  I yelled at Graham through the phone to let me cut in front of him, which he graciously did, and we continued our journey front-to-back in a single lane for a few yards.  We chatted until I decided to make a U-Turn at his left turn onto 33.  We got stopped at the stoplight, and I turned to my left to see a wonderful sunset happening over the Blue Ridge.  We both marveled at that sight for a few seconds, me longer than him because his ADHD got the best of him, and then the light turned green, and we were on our separate ways again.  It was so nice being on the same page as him, even for 15 minutes.  We don't get to see each other much, but when we do, it's like dusting off a familiar book...it might take a while for you to reacquaint yourself with the plot, but in the end, you get right back to where you were.  Guess that sort of comes with the "high school sweetheart" territory, but it goes beyond that as well.  We shared so many experiences in such a critical part of our lives...we'll always be bonded in ways nobody else will ever understand (and perhaps he and I still don't)...and I'm okay with that.  I got off the phone with him after we discussed plans for him visiting the house after graduation (A MONTH FROM TOMORROW), which is pretty exciting, and continued my drive, turning the 311 back up and singing at the top of my lungs driving down 29 with my hair everywhere...couldn't help but think of you, BGH--knew you were there, laughing the entire time at me and "Grahammiepoo."  Miss you every single day...can't wait to see you again someday, and thank you for watching out for me. :)  You're the best.

After returning, the weather was far too nice to stay inside, so I sat outside as dusk fell, reading Rob Bell's "Velvet Elvis" and sitting with my pretty kitty Sir Winston Churchill.  I felt one with the earth and God...the warm breeze felt like heaven on earth, and the new green growths everywhere today really made it the perfect end to a wonderful evening.  I also found out tonight that I got the CBF Collegiate Congregational Internship for this summer and will be participating in that, which is super exciting (and means another road trip!!), and got the Passport info for camp this summer.  Can't wait to get it all going.  Summer is calling my name hardcore tonight!

So, while I have no idea where I'm headed, I'm enjoying the ride right now, with the windows down, my music blasting, and my hair tangling itself in front of my face. :)

Everything will be fine, in no time at all.