I don't believe in certainty. I've been rubbed raw by the bitter cold winds of icy uncertainty and by the unforgiving homelessness my depression makes me feel. I feel utterly despondent. Completely broken. Begging for some divine intervention...something to prevent me from having to go through that two year drought of hope in my life that left me parched for love and thirsting beyond control for relief. I've never felt as much hopelessness in my life as I have in the last two years.
Did you know that each of us has a chromosome that is either long or short depending on our tendencies toward depression? The short one = predisposition to depression. Yay family history. This is my burden. This is what I can't control. We can go through life feeling okay...but avoiding triggers is key to our happiness...and I know exactly what my trigger is and has been...and how difficult it's going to be to remove him from my life completely. I've tried already unsuccessfully, but at least each time it gets better.
I feel embarrassed looking back at old posts that say "oh I'm so fulfilled..." Well, I don't feel so fulfilled now. I feel like people think I'm crazy, jumping from emotion to emotion. I hate to blame things on other people, but I am NOT like this when he's not around...and I had tendencies before him but they blew up during our relationship.
I need prayer. Guidance. Clarity. FORWARD MOTION! A new start. Anything...I'm begging God to just...let me get out of this place. I can't take much more of it.
3 comments:
I love you lots. And I don't think you're crazy at all. This is something that is impossible to control. You might be able to do things to help, but you will still have bad nights occasionally. Don't let those bad nights tell you it's your fault. Just try to keep telling yourself that the bad nights will eventually pass and you'll be back to your happy, optimistic self again. That's the REAL you, Julie. Not the hopeless one. You know that as well as I do.
I'm always here for you, girl! <3
I couldn't have stated it better. Julie Bean, bad days are a lot like bad people, which is why bad people cause a lot of bad days. Also, they're impossible to avoid, like Vera Bradley purses.
Remember: it IS better to feel and understand. Much, much harder, but it is so worth it. Just because other people don't understand that, it doesn't mean you're crazy.
The stoic ones are the crazies. Really.
I love you, dearie :)
Julie - you are an amazing person and incredibly strong. You should be proud of who you are. I know you are going to be ok, and you should look forward to having more and more days filled with light. So many people care about you and want you to be filled with happiness, including myself. I love you very much. I am keeping you in prayers, sister Gaines :-) Love you and miss you lots!
Post a Comment