...with Ian Crocker. He's one of the swimmers from Beijing, and he's an INCREDIBLE writer.
Here. Read.
New blogBy: Ian Crocker Date: Sep 6, 2008 - 08:50 AM
Part one of why you haven’t heard from me is that it’s hard to focus on the creative side of myself while I’m trying to focus on the athletic side. Call me intense, but I have to focus on one thing at a time for best results. So, that explains the few months before the Games.
Part two is that, post Games my mind has been reeling. It’s not something that is unique to this go-round in Beijing, or a feeling of success or failure. It’s just hard to put together all the difficult emotions into a package that one can comprehend. This is my third Olympics and I’ve felt this after each one. The only thing that makes it easier this time is that I recognize the feeling for what it is and I’m not caught off guard like I was after Sydney.
8 years after Sydney and what seems like many lifetimes, I still haven’t been able to soak in the fact that I’ve even been to an Olympics at all, let alone three. I’ve spent every day since I first got on the National Team looking towards tomorrow. I think that’s about the only way to do it. As soon as a goal is reached, set a new one. Eighteen years of goals set, reached and reset, always looking ahead and having minimal time to enjoy the minutes you’re in, let alone the achievements as they pass. It all adds up to one day standing still and asking yourself, “what just happened”.
So, now I have some time. I’m needing to explore a bit of the world and more importantly myself. I’ve always found it impossible to do that from my couch, so I’m going to have to get off of it and do some travel.
I’m going to be exploring the here and now, mixed with heavy doses of reflection so that I can gain perspective and figure out what my future holds. Sounds easy right? I’m going to do all this for myself, but I’d love to share it all with you. I think that over the last 26 years I’ve accumulated some stories that are worth repeating. Some of them obviously take place around a pool. However, it’s just as important to look at the things off the pool deck.
Here’s where I am right now: Sitting on a bed in the Hilton off Michigan Avenue in Chicago. Here’s why I’m here: Last week I was asked if I wanted to be a guest on Oprah with a bunch of other medalists from Beijing.
Initially I said no because to be honest, with nothing to do, and no deadline for anything, and a little change in my pocket, I could be anywhere on the planet. Options are relatively new for me. I sit on my bed, I sit on my couch, I meet up with friends and all the while I feel like I’m free falling. I wake up at 2 am and I drive around the lake. I’ve got no reason to be asleep or awake at any time of the day. I bought a membership to a gym last week so I’d have some form of accomplishment other than making and eating breakfast, which I’ve been doing around 2 in afternoon recently.
I changed my mind about Oprah when I remembered that she films in Chicago. My best buddy Adam lives here now, so Oprah was the means to an end. I decided I’d stay up here for a few days after the taping because I thought perhaps I could get some thinking done.
You see, for the last two months I’ve been in a hotel room with nothing but time to think. Omaha, Palo Alto, Singapore, Beijing…books, movies, my guitar, and a purpose for being there. There’s something about the few months leading up to a major meet. Everything you need in your heart and mind and body for your best performance gets sucked in and magnified and everything you don’t need gets pushed away. This doesn’t happen by choice for me, it’s automatic. Being so focused on something gives you a sort of peace, like the eye of a storm. It’s one of the most intense experiences to sit through, but it’s also peaceful.
Now that I’m home, part of that has gone away and I thought that by getting out of the house, recreating the hotel environment, I might be able to think. Absurd, huh?
Yesterday it rained all day here. I sat in my room watching the boats in Lake Michigan and the rain on the street. I tried to write (which is how I make sense of the collage of thoughts in my head) and couldn’t express anything.
In the evening, when Adam was done with his Law School functions, we met up for a beverage and had a chance to talk about everything. A year ago he was in a similar position to where I am right now. Graduated from the Engineering Department at U of Texas, looking for a Law School, no idea where he would end up. Now he’s got a nice niche here in Chicago, school is going well, future’s so bright he’s gotta wear shades.
I have faith that I’ll be able to be there soon enough. I don’t know how, or when, or what I’ll be up to, but that’s the beauty of faith. I think that a common misconception about faith is that if you have it, you don’t worry. For me, worry is desire to contribute. An artist can’t function without that. In words so nicely arranged by Bob Dylan, “it’s a restless, hungry feeling”.
So, that’s where I’m at. The next thing on my calendar is Austin City Limits Music Festival (ACL) in Austin. I’ve got some time to kill before then because it’s not for another three weeks. I have a strong desire to get behind the wheel but I’m going to wait until after the festival because I don’t want to drift too far from Austin and have to break the road trip to come back. The only place I have on the “must go” list is to mom and dad and home up in Portland, Maine. I’m going to look through old photographs and videos, boxes of swim meet t-shirts and old ribbons and try to make sense of it all.
I invite you to come along and I’ll tell you stories of what’s gone on along the way. Maybe we can find my missing years.
-Ian
Um...can I please marry this man? He puts into words so eloquently how I feel in the moment. I've been so caught up in college and "finding myself" and picking a future and becoming something that I became nothing and lost myself. I need to take a step back, get some perspective, and REMEMBER WHY THE HELL I BECAME A MUSIC MAJOR IN THE FIRST PLACE...AND WHAT I'M ACTUALLY DOING HERE RIGHT NOW.
Ian said it best...maybe we can find MY missing years now...I invite you to come along. :)
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