untitled.

I titled this entry untitled on purpose. I'll explain later.

Today was Ben's memorial service. It touched me deeply. As I sat there, starting at a giant picture of my friend, I was overcome with waves of emotion (literally). I would be okay one moment and smile dreamily into space, and the next, I would think of one little thing and feel this surge of uncontrollable sadness well up inside of me and exit through my tear ducts. Ben was a WONDERFUL person. He worked 3 jobs (one of them was with me lifeguarding at the AFC!), went to school for pharmacy so he could follow in his father's footsteps, was an Eagle Scout, signed up to be a Salvation Army Bell Ringer this Christmas, and did numerous other things for people that simply can't be enumerated or put into words. He was a ray of sunshine in my life, and I consider him to be my angel now. I know he's watching out for all of us. I miss him dearly, though. That's the hardest part...knowing I'll have to wait a while to see him again. But my gosh was I lucky to have known him.

The service itself was faith-based, and I was happy for this, because in times like these, in such dire situations, what other choice do you have but to stop asking for answers and start giving it all up to something/someone bigger than yo

urself? There is no logical explanation here in this world for why a young man as incredible as Ben had to die before 21 while criminals, rapists, thieves, and zealots live on, leading long lives and leaving behind a path of destruction. I choose not to question this, because I'm okay not knowing everything right now. I trust God...something inside of me compels me, and I just do...because really, the alternatives are pretty grim, and I cannot believe that we are here to live in pain and suffering.

The minister said a few things that really touched me. The first was that Ben lived his life each day with faith, hope, and love. What a beautiful thought. I'm going to strive for this in my own life. :) Secondly, Ben admitted his mistakes. He was remembered as he was today, not as a perfect person on a pedestal, but as a human who looked at his circumstances and decided to make them better rather than just accept them. He practiced radical hope. I hope one day I can raise a son as wonderful as him if I should be blessed with one. Thirdly, life is a preparation for bigger things. We go through trials to strengthen us and teach us lessons that will make us what our Maker has fully intended us to be. I know Ben has been received by God with open arms and is up there, grooving to 311 and cracking jokes with the best of them. He lived his life in such a way that, in 20 years, 3,000 people were moved to email/write on Facebook/contact his family in some way about him. His service was PACKED today. I hope I live my life in such a way that my funeral will be packed as well. Lastly, Ben lives on in our hearts and in our stories of him. We should continue to tell his stories and let his love show to others who may not have had the chance to meet him. Well, in light of that, here are some of my favorite Ben stories. I hope they do him justice (but I know they'll pale in comparison to the real deal!):

-Ben went to high school with me and was in the band program with me. I dated Graham, my high school sweetheart, off and on for over 2 years, and I started getting to know Ben through that, as Graham was really good friends with him. He played trumpet, and always got the funniest look on his face when he was playing...and his posture was awful haha.

-The next time I started interacting with Ben was during the summers of my first and second years in college when he swam for the summer league swim team I was coaching. I never coached him much, as he was a much faster swimmer than I was and knew what he was doing. I do remember the way he used to get into the cheers though and was always really good with the kids. He fit right in with our crazy HMH family (and that you'd really have to be a part of to understand, but it is the closest thing to family besides my blood that I'll probably ever have).

-Ben and I began working at the AFC around the same time (winter break 2005 I think). They were desperate for guards and, although they normally only took college students, took Ben on as a senior in high school. This is where I have my fondest memories of Ben. His mom would always make him lunch/dinner for every single shift. It was one of those lunches that was perfectly prepared...baggies of food, more food than Ben would ever be able to eat, and a treat at

the end...he seemed to like Oreos a lot. His mom told me today at the memorial that was originally done to stop Ben from spending all his money on food haha cause the boy could eat (as most swimmers can). He generally shared his food with all of us working, too...mostly the granola bars and other healthy things haha. He was always giving. He was a great guard to work with, because he always did his job well and you didn't have to check up on him. Not only was he reliable, but he was hilarious. He made the silliest faces, sang random songs (and by sang, I mean rapped...he was always rapping something and dancing around to it haha), and always talked to me about the most ridiculous stuff. I can still hear his voice...I hope I never lose that. He always asked me how Grahammy and I were doing (his words) in this sarcastic little tone and wanted so badly for us to get back together haha. This probably happened once a shift with him. Lastly, and my favorite memory of him, was working meets with him. We worked a few together, and the shifts could last from 5:45am-10pm easily (with possibly different people coming in between). He always made them fun. We constantly made fun of the swimmers (and did so on a normal basis with the whack-jobs that came into the pool...especially the Asian Invasion that overtook our pool around 7pm each evening. None of them spoke English, so asking them to stop doing things was interesting...) Our last meet we worked together was a high school meet--or maybe it was USS...either way, Mr. Strider, a fixture at any swim meet within a 50 mile radius or larger of Cville, was marshal that day, meaning he was responsible for swimmer behavior on the pool deck and making sure the place was clean. He was walking around the pool deck, chasing swimmers with a trashbag, wearing an orange vest. Ben and I were in the office, and someone was making jokes (a parent) about Mr. Strider being like the orange Power Ranger (complete with "GO GO David Strider!!!!" theme song hahaha best part). Ben and I couldn't stop laughing. Mostly he was laughing at me laughing so hard over something so silly...but everytime I see him, including today at the service, that song goes through my head.

These are just small stories about him, but they will live in my memory forever, as will Ben. He was so special...and he made me laugh so much. I always tried to work shifts with him. He was seriously so positive and full of life...it rips me apart that I won't have him in my life in the future, but I cannot wait until the day when I leave this world and he's up there with everyone else to welcome me and give me a big hug. He'll be wearing a VT hat, khaki pants, a striped polo shirt, and tennis shoes...or he'll be in a red and blue drag suit with goggles that have bungee straps. I always loved watching him swim...

In many ways, Ben taught me how to live simply by being present in my life and being himself. He's still teaching me how to live. It's a beautiful thing...and for that I am eternally grateful to God for allowing me to meet Ben and to share a little under a decade with him. He's one of my heroes.

How fitting that Flowing by 311 just came on my iTunes. :)

Benjamin Gordon Hair (1988-2009)

Always in my heart. Always.

This is probably my favorite picture of Ben: he'd hike up his suit, tuck in his shirt, and go "Hey guys" in a really nasaly voice and walk around the pool deck like this, talking to patrons and guarding...I know it might seem silly, but it brightened everyone's day. Ben was never afraid to be himself. He's awesome. :)