details in the fabric.

So, tonight is a really important night for me. Because I am happy. And it is past midnight. And I have many reasons that normally would have triggered my depression/anxiety. But they didn't. I am happily listening to my iTunes on random and enjoying my time to myself and talking to friends. I have new IM and Google programs (I'm running Google Chrome now and a program called Digsby that combines my AIM, Yahoo Messenger, Facebook, Gmail, and Yahoo Mail accounts--I can IM from all of these sites in one single window and it's AWESOME...it also updates me when Facebook gets updated too. Check it out. Google Chrome runs super fast too and is super simple and user friendly and HAS COLORS!!!!! and patterns. :) LOVE.)

I have found inside of me during the depths of winter an invincible summer (from an Albert Camus quote). His quote and "when it is dark enough, you can see the stars" were my AHS class of 2004 yearbook quotes haha)...but oh how true they are. My good friend Ben died a week ago today, and while that still is so painful, he's changed my life still in this past week. I feel a sense of independence that I haven't felt in years (read: ever) and it's awesome. Nick's MIA all of a sudden, but I've realized that not talking to him has forced me to be okay on my own...and it's so awesome to me that his absence even teaches me about myself. Some best friend. :) I've also learned that it's okay to have gray area. Things don't have to be finished right now...even though life is short and we never know just how short it's going to be, it's okay for things to be unfinished if people know where you stand on things and how you feel about them. Time can really be helpful, despite the fact that life is fleeting and unpredictable. Nick reminds me that there has to be some sort of mystery involved in life or it becomes boring, FAKE, predictable...all three of which are not desirable attributes in my opinion. Life is much better in that gray area that I've feared for so long. I can't control everything, but I can do my best, and I'll survive. And it's going to be awesome. Because in the end, when I die, and I go to face God, who made me and said "here ya go--make good use of your time. I'll pick you up after work. Play nice," I'm going to run up to him/her, hug the crap out of them, and say "I missed you so much. I'm so glad to be going home. But I had fun today. The other kids were cool. We played house and dress up and I played nice...or I tried to. I'm better now than I was when you dropped me off. I'm glad you came back for me though."

And that is life. It's simple and so beautifully complex at the same time. It's all in the way you think about it. <3