breakable.

I'm having a very hard time understanding a few things right now, and for the last 30 minutes, I've been hopelessly lost in thought. Figured writing it down might help get it out of my head...it feels heavy with all that garbage swirling around in there.

1) My family makes me feel so hurt sometimes. I feel more broken in my house then I do anywhere else in this world, which is tragic. I don't really understand why, either. I feel a strange vibe. My family seems broken...we read at the dinner table and eat our food in awkward silence most nights, mom and dad tend to disagree a fair amount, and I just end up sheltering myself in my room...I'd rather be alone than be around the uncomfortable vibe outside my door. I can't put my finger on it, but somehow, through the years, we've all moved a bit apart...and I feel guilty. I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO LOVE MY FAMILY. But how am I supposed to love being home when I'm more depressed here than anywhere else? I'm like an emotional time bomb around here...and I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I'M MISERABLE MOST NIGHTS. I WAS DOING BETTER...I WAS HEALING AT SCHOOL. I don't want to blame my circumstances...but it really just feels like I'm falling further and further backwards the longer I stay here...what am I going to do during student teaching???

2) Okay. So in the past two days, at least two people have casually mentioned to me that I'm "always so busy." This aggrivates me to no end. Sitting around, aimlessly playing on Facebook and not being productive depresses me. I think too much as it is. One way I counteract this is to keep myself busy doing things I genuinely enjoy doing. Yes, my days typically consist of 12 hours or more of constant physical activity, but I AM HAPPY. I'd rather use every ounce of time doing things that help me to be happy then "relaxing" and putting myself in a bad position. Sitting around in my room in middle and high school was what really cemented my depression...I'd cry at night until I had someone to talk to, until some person I was merely aquainted with picked up the phone and awkwardly tried to talk to me until I stopped crying enough to sleep comfortably. Same thing happened for the first few years of school, especially once I moved out of the dorm and into apartment living. I'm happier busy. I'm happy helping others...it makes me feel better...so call it selfish or what you will, but it's a win-win situation. Please do not tell me that I'm so busy all the time...or say that I work too much or never have any free time...I understand that people say it out of concern, or confusion, or whatever...but it hurts. I am 22 years old. I'm independent and very intelligent. If I ever start becoming unhealthy about it, let me know...but until then, understand (or try to) that this is my way of coping. There's nothing wrong with it. I've talked to my counselor...it's better than willingly sitting around practically opening the door and cooking dinner for my depression.

I feel very misunderstood at the moment. I have so many things going on in my life that nobody could ever understand how I feel...I'm tired of feeling like everyone else has a comment to make about my life decisions. Let me feel my way around...I'm learning about myself. Give me space to grow.

I don't know what else to say without sounding awful.

The more I learn, the less I know...I've got so far to go. -Brett Dennen