product.

We are products of any series of external factors.

Every day, we evolve and change based on what happened in the last 24 hours. Sometimes, we become better for it, and other times, it seems we become more calloused and bruised. In the end, I believe that "mistakes" and hurts are nothing more than opportunities to learn and that we're all the better for having gone through those kinds of experiences, no matter how painful.

That being said, I miss Kyle tonight. Kyle was a coach I worked with during the summer of 2006. He poked fun at me and my veggie ways and showed me his hunting pictures. He always had a sunglasses tan and drank like 50 million Red Bulls. He brought a kayak and we floated around the pool in it one night. He also was one of my first mentors as a swim coach and taught me a thousand different things I never would have known about coaching if he wasn't in my life. Almost a year ago, Kyle passed out suddenly on the pool deck at a meet and died from a congenital heart defect. Although he did some controversial things at times, I still loved him very much. Tonight's the first night in a long time that I've had a chance to think about him, and I miss him so much. He always told me he believed in my coaching, no matter what, and said that I would have a job coaching with him wherever he went. I never had anyone believe in my coaching abilities that strongly before him. He gave me the confidence and skills that I needed to really succeed and grow as a swim coach, and I will forever be in debt to him for this. I only wish I had said goodbye the way I should have before he left.

My heart aches tonight. I want him back. I miss him asking if I needed a Red Bull every five minutes and insisting that we stand up all the time when we coach. I miss the time that he yelled at Matt Anderson for "kicking" me and disrespecting me in that manner. I miss when he dressed up for the Pirates of the Carribean meet and had a black Sharpee moustache on his face during the team picture. I miss how he ate ridiculous amounts of food when we were doing meet entries at the Oliva's. I just wish I had more time with him. I feel like I wasted so much of the last year I had with him being upset about certain things he was doing around the swimming world...now I can't get that year back and I can't get him back and it sucks. It's the worst kind of suck, too, because you know no matter how much it hurts, you can't ever see him again (at least in this lifetime) and that he left a hole in you; he took a part of you that you can never get back, no matter what you do. It just breaks my heart.

I miss and love you, Kyle. I hope you're doing well and that the deer hunting season's going well wherever you are. Thank you for everything...I'm sorry I didn't say that more when we were together around here.