jasonmrazish.

Okay. Seeing Jason Mraz in concert was one of the absolute most incredible experiences of my life. First of all, he is SEXY as anything. The man can sing, DANCE, and work a crowd. He's amazing, and I cannot believe I saw him for 35 bucks. AHHH. <333333 ANYWAYS. I put like 15 sound clips of it on my phone...I can't get enough. Did I already write about this? Oh well--who cares if I did--it was just that good!!

Anyways, this relates directly to my day today. It was my first counseling session since I went on Citalopram (Celexa) three weeks ago. I thought my life was going well beforehand, but this just made it 100 times better. My counselor had surgery and complications and ended up spending 2 weeks in the hospital--so I'm really glad he's back and okay. We talked and I said I was doing well, and he looks me dead in the eye and goes "Is that really how you're feeling?" I was sort of taken aback, but this is what I love about my counselor--he doesn't B.S. I am actually feeling a million times better than before. The medicine doesn't fix my way of thinking, but just like he told me before I went on it, it gives me more energy from day to day and gives me time to step back and consider my emotional responses to situations before jumping too quickly into some ridiculous mood swing. What we talked about absolutely changed my life.

In our first meeting, we talked about the fact that I have a skewed view of myself and the world--but mostly myself. I get my self-esteem from external sources...i.e. positive feedback from others and gaining their approval. Becoming a music major has really shed some light on this. If I play a passage perfectly, or even if I don't, and someone else says "hey that was AMAZING," then that somehow (in my mind) legitimizes me as a good player--not me thinking "wow, I know I'm making some major progress" or, if it wasn't so good--"hey I can do better than that," letting it go, and working hard in the practice room until my next performance opportunity. This thinking causes me to become incredibly nervous before performances/playing in front of others. Before I took my medicine, I would really beat myself up over a bad performance instead of focusing on the positives and ways to make it better...now, I'm working on seeing the POSITIVES of every situation and letting go of it. One performance doesn't make or break me as a person...it really has no bearing. Even if I sucked, if I loved what I was doing and worked as hard as I could on it, I should love the product, no matter how "perfect" it is or isn't, because it's MINE and I put all I had into it. I compare myself to a standard of not only excellence but PERFECTION in the classroom, on stage, and in life in general--and THIS is the root of my depression...not some chemical imbalance in my head. Wayne, my counselor, says that he views depression as our body's way of saying HEY YOU--PAY ATTENTION TO ME--SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE. I'd have to agree with him. I never would have seen any of this in myself if I hadn't started counseling. It's been the best decision of my life so far...I feel like I'm getting my LIFE back--and I'm learning so much about myself in the process. :)

The medicine itself will never make me happy. It's there to help me have the energy and the tools to change my ways of thinking before I get off of it and get on with the rest of my life. I need to work on living in the present...not letting my brain put the heaps of garbage it always piles on top of everything I'm dealing with on a daily basis. I can handle six classes, two meetings, practice, and homework all on a Monday-but my mind just is constantly GOING...all these stupid thoughts clutter it up, like wondering what other people or thinking or thinking about how this situation makes my life suck more than it already "did" in my mind. I tend to think that people think the worst in me--so I think negatively about myself sort of in defense...if I think badly of myself, 1) no one will think I'm egotistical, and 2) when other people say I did better, that makes me feel better about myself.

I need to live in the moment. I need to let life flow more, rely on my muscle memory, and jump on the music and just ride with it, because there's no stopping life just like there's no stopping a performance, no matter how far off the track it might run. It's all about how I work things out...and I know I can do this. For once in years, I feel like I can actually handle this...I know it's going to take time, but I can handle my thinking and I can change and become the person I want to be. I need to take more time for myself and stop thinking so damn much about everything.

THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR SAYING NOTHING.

I'm off to bed. I absolutely love today, my life, and FREAKIN JASON MRAZ. He's amazing...and his music helps me live my life in the present and ENJOY being myself. :)