procrastination.

So, I'm sick. Kind of weird night. My head feels like it's swimming, so that's kind of strange. The past few weeks have been MUCH better than the previous few. I'm excited that the medicine isn't making me nauseated and that I really feel much more in control of my life and (finally) OPTIMISTIC! It's hard to stay that way with the economy in such a bad state and this crazy election going on. I voted for Obama already, so I'm avoiding all the attack ads and stupidness that I can--we need CHANGE and LOVE. I wish people would stop hating on each other...that's the LAST thing we need in this country.

Sorry if this is all over the place--my face feels like it's about to fall off/explode. Ouch. Anyways, I think I've said this before, but I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with taking my meds. Like...one, I'm taking the easy way out, even though I know that my brain just needed a little kickstart to help the chemicals figure their stuff out, and two, that I need the medicine to be happy because I couldn't do it on my own. Ugh. I have my first counseling apt. on Monday since I started on the meds. Most days I'm very content to just take the pill and move on with my life...but there have been a few nights where it's embarrassing. People say they've seen a difference, and I suppose if this is what I need to do, I should take advantage of the fact that I literally can (almost) buy happiness from WalMart('s pharmacy) for 4 dollars per month, or 1 per week. That's incredible...so why do I feel so wrong about it sometimes?

In other news, I absolutely love being a music major. I may not love the late nights, weeks with 5 tests, hours spent alone staring at the beige walls and foam soundproofing in the practice rooms, and absolutely terrible wind symphony rehearsals--but I love the people, I love the professors, and I LOVE LEARNING ABOUT MUSIC. I'm actually considering grad school as a viable option once I graduate from here. No idea yet, but just a thought--I wouldn't be a performance major, but I'd love to look into theory or something like that. Musicology even? Who knows...I definitely want to teach in the end, but as of right now, I feel like I'm not even scratcing the surface of everything I want to know about music. I've finally found my TRUE passion in life...and it feels INCREDIBLE. I knew teaching would be a big part of me, as is coaching swim team, but NOTHING compares to music and what it's done for my life. I'm so blessed...

I can't wait til I'm better and can start swimming again--I love the way the water feels...I love the way it sounds when I'm practicing...I love the feeling of it supporting my every move. I have time to think when I'm swimming...or not think...it's the closest thing I think to heaven on earth...besides being at a concert. :) I spend 8-10 hours a week at least in the water, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't care how fast I go or anything else, as long as I get the chance to swim and spend time with the people I care about most. There's something so wonderful about swimmers--most of us are pretty spontaneous, fun-loving, caring people. The swim team here is my family...we take care of each other when we're sick or upset, provide for others, eat together, see each other pretty much naked, and compete together. It's hard to describe the experience of swimming on a team to someone who's never experienced it. Swimming can be such an individual sport...worrying about YOUR times and YOUR finishes...or it can be very team oriented with a focus on the inidividual that comes through contribution to something larger. A lot of my best friends are swimmers...and I know it's because they bring out the good side of me, the side that chills out and loves goofing around...the side of me that doesn't care when things don't go the way I've planned...the side of me that I love seeing myself as.

So, after what's probably the most incoherent entry in this thing, I'm going to go read music history before bed. I know--what a WILD Friday night. What can I say? I'm sick and am pretty happy I don't have that swim meet tomorrow. In fact, I have NOTHING to do until I go see Jackie play at the MH tomorrow night--can't wait for some LIVE music and good friends. :)

I believe in SAI.