totalmente nada.

I'm done with classes for the semester from hell.

It seems like I'm always saying that as each semester comes to a close. When you've lost inumerable hours of sleep, worked yourself to your breaking point, and starved in true college student fashion, it's hard to see the sunny side of the last week of classes. It's like professors have been cruising all semester and suddenly wake up to find they haven't covered half the material...and of course it's all gotta be in by exam time, so they cram it all into one action-packed week known affectionately around these parts as "Hell Week." Each time a semester end, it's inevitable--at least five papers are due, along with like three tests, and at least one presentation. This time, it was a 32-page writing theory portfolio (the majority of which was composed within 24 hours of the due date), a music ed paper and presentation, prepping for juries, a music lit listening exam, instrumental methods portfolio, and instrumental methods bass playing. I was "go go go" this ENTIRE week, without one minute of downtime...and now I'm having a hard time telling my body to slow down; I think it's in shock that all the papers and craziness is FINALLY done. Kind of like running on a treadmill and trying to step off immediately...you have to take time to slow down first! I mean, I still have juries and exams, but compared to a 32-page porfolio, it all seems to pale in comparison. I suppose I'll consider this my "slowing down" period after the treadmill's been turned off.

The end of this semester means more to me I think than any other semester. I've been through more in the past three months than I ever imagined I'd go through. I've had roommate issues, more work than I knew what to do with, and things in organizations I'm in have gone completely crazy. What I imagined being a party year with great friends had become a nightmare that I had trouble waking up to each day. The counseling is going well, but my appointment got cancelled for yesterday, which makes me sad. I'm rescheduling for like Monday, or Tuesday maybe, so it's not a huge deal. I had a little emotional breakdown today with Cory that makes me really think I've got some form of depression. I've been fighting it for years now, never wanting to admit I had something bigger going on. Letting go has been very hard for me, and I think it's going to get harder before I'm myself again. I know who I am...and I know that I'm not acting like who I am...it's hard to explain, but it makes sense to me. I wish it would stop, though, because it's putting a huge strain on Cory's and my relationship, as well as my friendships.

I've started working out in the hopes that it will make things better. I've noticed some improvements in my mood so far--at least for little bits of time. The endorphins are amazing, and I can't wait to be home so I can start swimming again. I love the water, and I miss it so much right now. Every time I feel myself starting to go into that pit again, I try to do something--work, walk, gym, practice flute/piano--anything to just get my body jumpstarted out of that mess. I'm not giving up without a fight. I've handled a lot...I mean, I should be graduating from college right now, but instead, I'm here for the long haul--another two years of craziness. Next year is going to be the worst of it school-wise: sophomore promotional, final years of theory and sightsinging, piano proficiency...it's going to take a lotttt of work, but I think I'm up for it.

I've also started practicing regularly. It's amazing how comfortable I feel with my flute these days. Piano doesn't come as naturally to me as the flute does, but I'm really motivated to learn. If I can get this way about sightsinging, I'll be SET. My throat's still sore from allergies or a cold or something, so maybe it's not the time to start that, but hopefully it'll be better before my exam next week!!! Whoooo. I'm stoked for next week's ride, though; I've had a few days to relax and renew, and I'm ready to make one final push for the semester. Then I'll have a few more weeks off and then arranging for 8 excellent days at the beginning of June--and THEN finally I'll be done with this mess. : ) Can't wait to lifeguard and coach and think of nothing I don't want to think of for a few months. Home is going to be wonderful.

I love you, Nikki and Heather! And Heather--ps, YEAHHHHH for getting that part in Operafest! I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!! <3<3