two weeks notice.

The past two weeks have been some of the hardest of my life.

I feel like everywhere around me, people are having incredible experiences...vacations of a lifetime, spending time with friends, relaxing, and just enjoying life in general. Me? I'm dealing with a less than desireable roommate situation that just recently occurred which left me with one roommate in a four-bedroom apartment (besides me)--not a fight, just a sad chain of personal events that forced a roommate to have to leave our apartment and LU, as well as a ridiculous work environment including WAY too much micromanagement and selfishness. I think I'm a slow swimmer...I'm tired of feeling like my speed determines what kind of coach I am. I feel swamped, stuck in a sticky puddle of disgusting self-centeredness, power hunger, and emptiness. I feel like I'm going nowhere.

There are so many times I feel amazing--I had a wonderful session of swim lessons and my kids improved a lot. I had a great time with the coaches and (most) of my swimmers. I had an AWESOME flute lesson today--which was the highlight of my week!!! I've got a lot of good people around me...but the bad just seems to overshadow the good because it's such intense badness...if that makes any sense. Life is so unpredictable, which can be both good and bad...I just leaned more on the bad side of it than is normal.

Sometimes, I wish I could have Cory or Heather or Nikki's temperment. People who let things roll on in life despite the fact that they might be less than desirable. I just seem to let these things bog me down and rip me to shreds at times. I'm tired of feeling depressed and less than productive. I'm tired of feeling like everyone else around me is living while I'm stuck. I'm tired of feeling not good enough for people or less (insert descriptive word) here than them. I feel inadequate so much that I feel like I'm wasting my life away and that it will NEVER get better.

I hate being depressed. I hate having to go see counselors and read books like "The Feeling Good Handbook." Why do I have to be the one to read a book about feeling good while other people can just get out there and DO IT? Why do I have to be so "type A" that I can't see anything less than perfection as acceptable? <--that attitude is going to cost me a lot of happy moments in life.

What a depressing entry. I'm tired. It's late and I'm probably going to feel differently in the morning. I just had to get this out before it exploded. It sucks.