I feel strangely unhappy this week. And I'm ashamed to admit that. I think I put up this front in front of people...that isn't really a front: it's a future hope, a blissful facade I want to build my life on because the foundation of my life is really much more shaky than I wish to admit. And then two days after I run around in a lovedrunk, happy-go-lucky tizzy, I'm back to feeling anxious, confused, misunderstood, and like the cycle will never end...and that people will look at me as I go through this and think I'm crazy for feeling such drastically different emotions in such rapid succession. It really does feel like a roller coaster ride...I'm strapped into the car of my own thoughts, my own emotions are the track, and the operator's left the track on continuous loop and gone for lunch.
I feel like I have to work hard for my happiness. I don't have to work super hard for school, and if I do, it's generally okay because I enjoy music and what I'm doing. Swimming does not and has never come easily to me. I enjoy it, but I'm not naturally talented at it. Is happiness like this? A hobby that comes easier to some than others? I know my natural wiring somehow has a few crosses and frayed edges when it comes to the whole not being depressed thing, but that still doesn't mean that I can't lead a happy life, so says my shrink.
How am I ever going to sort through all of this mess going on in my head? There's SO much of it. It's almost overwhelming...22 years of negative habits that I need to break. 22 years of learned behavior, insecurity, and shrinking. Does that mean it'll take me another 22 to UNLEARN those things?? I hope to God not.
And speaking of God...I've gotten to the point this week where I speak to God and it begins to sound like I'm talking to myself...and I don't like the clutter that always spins around in my head, so I turn off a lot of those thoughts...and this has led me to start questioning God. I can't see God, and He/She's getting lost in the mess that's in my head...and I'm not sure how to handle this. Where is God right now...when I'm lost, confused, scared, and ALONE? It's so damn easy to say that life is hard...to say ohhhhh I'm lonely and I'm alone...but I knowww that I'm not.
WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY THAT THEY LOVE ME AND THAT THEIR ACTIONS AREN'T ENOUGH?? ISN'T THAT WHAT MOST PEOPLE DESIRE IN RELATIONSHIPS?! WHY IS NOTHING EVER GOOD ENOUGH TO KEEP ME HAPPY FOR MORE THAN 48 HOURS?
I'm a bit frustrated at the moment. I don't know how to achieve clarity...I feel out of control and crazy. And I hate it. More than probably anything else in the world. WHY CAN I NOT BE NORMAL? WHY CAN I NOT GET OUT OF MY OWN HEAD?!
So obnoxious...and I'm so tired of trying to put a positive spin on things and still ending up in the same place. It's mentally exhausting.
3 comments:
Julie -
I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and make you laugh and smile. I don't know if this is helpful or not, but there are so many people out there who care about you and love you and will do whatever it takes to help you reach clarity and happiness, including myself. Please know that if you ever need someone to talk to that you can call me anytime and I will be happy to lend you my ear, or my shoulder. I know that you're going through some doubt with God right now as well, and trust me when I say that I know how exactly how that feels. God IS always there for you too, even if he doesn't seem to be; it's his way of keeping us humble. I guess that's the point of faith, believing in the unseen. He'll help you through this, as long as you keep trusting in him and offering your suffering and pain up to him. You are an amazing person and so loved, please keep that with you.
~Andrea
Ps. I aknokwledge that God is more likely a woman ;-)
Love and Roses <3
I just want to tell you that I know how you feel. I wonder sometimes if this is how the rest of my life will be, going in circles until I'm so dizzy I want to sleep for weeks, months, even years. All I can say is that you and I both know we'll have rough spots and dark patches. It's just going to happen. But we are BOTH strong enough to get through those dry spells - the sunshine is well worth the darkness, regardless of how dark it may seem.
I love you so so so so much and I can't wait until you have a little more stability in your life! Just think - if you're this amazing with no money, three jobs, and school, you will be THAT much stronger and THAT much more amazing once you've found a niche after college.
<3 Please stay happy and I will try to do the same.
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